Man misses daughter’s birthday to support divorcee sister giving birth. Here’s why Reddit thinks he’s wrong

Getting priorities right

Taking to popular subreddit r/AITAH, a 33 year old man asked the internet if he was wrong to miss his daughter’s birthday and his wedding anniversary to support his divorcee sister who was giving birth in another city, with no one by her side. While at the onset, it may seem like he made the obvious right choice, there is more to be considered here.

Take a look at his query first:

My wife (31F) and I (33M) have been married for 8 years, and we have a 6 year old daughter.

My sister (31F) was married to her husband, but because of his infidelity, they are now looking for divorce. My sister was pregnant with her first child, but she did not want her husband in the delivery room with her. She called me and asked if I could come for emotional support because she was nervous about childbirth.

I of course said yes. She lives in a different state, and I was going to go there for a week. But when I told my wife about it, she said that that I would be missing my daughter’s birthday, and our wedding anniversary (they’re both a day apart). I knew I would be missing those days, but I didn’t think it was a big deal and I told her we would celebrate the anniversary when I came back. And I didn’t really need to be physically present for my daughter’s birthday. I could just FaceTime her. My wife then asked why my sister couldn’t call anyone else for emotional support, and I told her that was a really selfish thing to say.

I was there for the birth of my sister’s baby, and everything went pretty smooth. When I came back I was really happy, and I started making plans for the wedding anniversary, but my wife seems a bit sad about everything. I know it’s because I missed the anniversary, but I really don’t see what’s the big deal when we can celebrate it on another day. I understand my wife considers it a very important and special day. But it’s just a day, and it doesn’t mean anything in significance compared to the birth of my sister’s baby.

Am I the as***le?

What is the verdict?

Redditors believed that while he was right in helping his sister, he should not have made the decision without involving his wife or finding a better solution. “A few questions .. When your sister asked for you to be her support, did you discuss it with your wife? When it came time, why did your family not go with you? Did you consider making this a family trip? If you did, you could have been there for the birth, celebrated your child’s birthday, and your anniversary without missing a thing.”

Another person wrote, “Missing the birthday and anniversary are, in the grand scheme of things, only a little problematic. The reason you are the as***le is because you decided everything unilaterally, and that was a really shitty thing to do to your wife. You’re supposed to be partners. That means you owe your wife a discussion about it, before you make a commitment to your sister. You’ve just demonstrated to your wife that when something is important to you, any consideration for her or your kid goes out the window.”

A woman gave her own example. “Yes, you are the as***le. You made it very clear that your wife and daughter aren’t a priority for you. My husband missed several wedding anniversaries (including big ones like our 25th) and birthdays because he was deployed, but he ALWAYS made sure I felt special those days by arranging flowers or a gift delivered, or arranged a spa day once, and a call to tell me he loved me. You just blew both days off and think you can make it up later – you can’t, the days came and went and you can’t make up for it. Your wife is sad because she feels unimportant to you, that your anniversary was unimportant. You keep saying it’s not a big deal, but it IS a big deal to her, and to most women I know. Not a good husband move, OP.”

OP’s update:

After the almost unanimous response to his query, the person gave an update in another post. “Wow, that was a barrage of onslaught. I read a lot of the comments, and most people think I was an AH which I did not expect but it opened my eyes that I may have been neglectful to my wife,” they wrote.

OP wrote that taking the daughter along wasn’t as possibility as a party was already planned with all her friends. However, he did make amends with his wife. “I do realize after reading the comments that the way I went about everything was wrong. I shouldn’t have called my wife selfish. And I should have put more effort on our anniversary. I only called her and didn’t send her any gifts or flowers on our anniversary, and that’s my fault. I had a discussion with my wife a couple of hours ago, and I apologized for everything, and told her I would make up for it. She actually seemed very happy after the discussion, I think it’s because I apologized and took accountability which admittedly I haven’t done recently. I reassured her that our anniversary is they day I will always cherish the most.”

Relationships are sensitive matter. Of course, those closest to you will stick by your side through the worst of storms but it’s vital to make sure we don’t make things too difficult for them. Simple action, considerate behaviour go a long way.